Confused.

I don’t normally tell people when I’m feeling down, but for the last four years I’ve been feeling really depressed, I’m fine in the day, infact I’m incredibly happy in the day, its night time mostly I get really down.

This last two months its gotten really bad and I even considered going to the Drs about it but seeing as it used to be really bad a few years back, to the point I wouldn’t go out alone, yet I managed to get past that and felt quite normal again, so I figured I could get past this too. I’ve been having panic attacks again and quite literally have been a absolute pain to live with, I actually feel sorry for Phil.

Luckily this past week or two although loads of bad things have happened including my sister and 4 year old niece being involved in a head on car crash, I’ve been feeling a lot better, maybe it was that happening that made me realise life is too short.

It’s not that I’m unhappy with my life, I have a great life, infact I’m incredibly lucky. I have a great and supporting fiancĂ© who worships everything I do and two beautiful children, a lovely home (minus the location) and a lovely family, I’m very blessed and happy in that department!

I actually don’t know why I get so down, it all started when my Nanna passed away, we were very close, infact I called her Mum and she and my grandad brought me up, (with my real mum and dad living next door) my grandad is still alive thankfully and living with my mum but suffers with vascular dementia so can’t communicate very well, so that’s hard too, on top of that my son has a rare skin condition, but I actually believe I cope with all that really well.

I don’t believe that you can get down for no reason but I actually don’t have a reason. I don’t tell anyone about it because quite frankly I have no one to tell apart from Phil.

I just hate this numb feeling. I haven’t wrote this blog so people feel sorry for me because that’s not what I want infact its more to see if it happens to anyone else, surely it’s not normal to randomly just start feeling sad for no reason?

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