O.o

I spent 6 hours today sat in a car, I had mc Donalds for lunch and then tried KFC for the first time, a boneless banquet for me and Miley, it was actualy really nice.
However 6 hours in one car and im exhausted and after a long day of  thinking about life, im actually in a good mood. The rest of my evening will probably be filed with the big bang theory, monster energy drinks and coke zero. Maybe some trivium.

I’m looking forward to the babies opening their easter prezzies and eggs on Sunday, I bought them 5 eggs each, a chocolate bunny, clothes,  books and toys… although shockingly I allready let them have some, Im such a push over when it comes to my brown eyed little buttons.

After alfie being discharged from speech therapy ive really noticed his speech is amazing, hes completly upto date,  I taught him to sing “we will rock you” yesterday I especially love the air guitar he does. And although miley says words too, im so excited to be able to have a proper conversation with her! Shes learnt new words over the last months, she can say mama, granma, riley, yeah, uh oh, peppa, love you and woof!

Ahh theyre adorable.

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The longest day of my life, Warning.. one hell of a boringly long blog!

It’s been one of the longest days of my whole life. My day started at 7am when I had a phone call from Alfies Dad, a phone call.. at 7am… on the only day where I had chance to lie in til 8! He wanted to know where I was meeting him to pick up Alfie, I chose wrexham and we agreed to meet at 11:30. Failing to get back to sleep for the remainder of the hour I decided to just get up and get ready so that when Miley did decide to get up after enjoying her lie in, i’d be ready. I had the worst headache i’ve ever had in my whole life and my eyes were streaming with tears so I wasnt really in the mood to do anything.

My plan for the day was to collect Alfie and have a picnic, me and Miley went around the shops buying things to eat and some toys and a ball, even got a huge pick a mix… I mean huge, they gave me a tub to fill and then I just had to pay £1.99 instead of the usual £3.99, So I used my years of experience in playing Tetris to fill the cup to the brim, getting the most of my money.. and I succeeded.

Me and Miley played on the library field for a while whilst waiting for Alfie and his dad, they were running late due to a motorbike accident, at least I’m pretty sure thats what he said.

I started to get tummy ache because I was dying for a wee so headed to the bus station, the bus station toilets are rank and there wasnt enough room to take a pram in, I was devestated, I just wanted to go home, my eyes were stinging and leaking because of my headache and my tummy was sore due to needing to pee! luckily Alfie and his dad turned up just in time, I asked Ben if he would mind watching Alfie and Miley while I had a pee, he kindly agreed and I headed off to the rank toilets, suddenly I felt better aha, I need to learn from this lesson, not to hold my pee in for hours!

I couldnt be bothered staying in town, I felt tight but it was really hot and I just wanted to be at home out of the sun, the bus ride home was spent with Alfie telling me and Miley all about his time at his Daddys house, he seemed to really have fun, which is nice.

I planned to come home and hibernate out of the sun, however it was only 12:30 and the day had only just begun for my hyperactive cheebies, they wanted to play outside… for hours and hours. Eventually after asking Miley for the millionth time not to try and leave the garden, I decided to take them both for a walk, not a pram was in site, my little curly girly was off, calling all the shots to which directions we went. We ended up going around the block and to the park, I was so shocked that she managed to walk so far and up massive hills, she eventually wore herself out and had a massive tantrum, she wanted to be carried, then she wanted down, then she wanted to sit on the floor… it was definitely home time! I carried the little tubby bum all the way home, while Alfie scooted behind us on his scooter, she was so exhausted she went straight down for a nap.. at last, I was inside out of the sun!

I showed Alfie all his new 32 Thomas the tank books i’d bought him for Easter, I know its early but he wont be here for Easter and Mileys been spoilt by me with her stuff so thought i’d let him have them early, he can have the rest of his stuff when he comes home. We sat and read for a while as he was amazed at his books, then he shouted “bye mummy I going out cya later!” and ran downstairs.. I was devastated.

Back in the sun for me.. I’ve been in and out all day whilst making dinner, showering Miley, seeing to the gas man, Finally at 6 o’clock everyone was getting tired, Miley more so than anyone, so I popped her in the shower first and then Alfie in the bath, jammies on .. dinner and bed!!

Thankfully Alfie fell asleep within minutes, Mileys still awake, she gives me the xbox remote and says “peppa” so she got to watch Peppa pig for a while, whilst I type this. My head is still pounding, I can’t believe its only 19:54. I’m so due an early night. My dad forgot to get me paracetamol while he was at Tesco, so i’m going to have to head butt him.

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These streets will make you feel brand new.

I’ve had a lovely day with my curly girlie, we snuggled up in bed from 8-9, a nice long lie in for us, followed by lots of playing, a cooked breakfast and then while she had her nap I played about with my laptop and downloaded more music to my spotify play list.

She finally woke up and we headed to the local shop for sweets for my 24 year old brother and wait for the excitment, bin bags for my Mum, it was such a beautiful day so we played in the garden for a while, her trying her best to jump on the trampoline and me taking lots of photos and giggling at her attempts.

I made my Mum, Miley and brother Ricky dinner, my mum had steak, chips cheese and peas and Ricky had cheese, bacon and cheese burgers, chips and peas! and miley had stew, everyone else was out at prestatyn for the day but I felt like staying in with my lil moo so we didnt go. Even bought my mum an oyster shell ice cream!

The rest of the day was spent watching spider man 3 with my nephew Riley, my favourite spider man! I couldnt wait til bedtime because I wanted to play Assassins Creed multiplayer, but everytime I played Miley would turn the xbox off.. shes a diva. Bed time came and Miley wanted to watch Peppa pig shes been watching it from 7 it’s now 10. No xbox for me tonight, but shes so cute its hard to say no. I went to the kebab shop with my future brother in Law, I treated myself to a child’s pizza, chips and mozzarella sticks, when I got back Miley was still awake, so she helped eat what we could and the rest got kept til the morning! i’m hoping she will fall asleep soon, she seems so restless tonight, maybe it’s cause Alfies not here, shes become quite needy over him its cute how much she loves her big brother.Image

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It’s been such a good day. We randomly decided to go to the park & have a picnic, a picnic wouldn’t be a picnic unless it was a dominoes picnic so the plan was in order & soon to be was our lunch! I got the food sorted & Phil washed & dressed the little ones. Taking ages to get to the bus stop because of Alfie’s slow walking we thought we’d be waiting ages in the hot sun but just as we arrived so did a bus! & luckily the cheaper one, i’m a scrooge. Alfie did his usual bus commentary of where all the train lines are & pointing out buses.

We arrived at Dominos just in time for when we said we would, 1:45, the food smelt

Imagedelicious, we asked to have some BBQ sauce instead of all the garlic, he swapped them & then handed us the most sauce iv’e ever had for free & would of cost us a fortune as its 3 tubs for £1 or something like that. Phil thought all his dreams had come at once! haha,

hes addicted to that sauce, I don’t blame him even I love it.

We took our food & headed to the park, the sun was shining so brightly, it was really a beautiful day & beats all the snow we’ve had recently, we found a nice spot & dished out the food, we had ordered enough for about 6 people, but  because we got so many freebies, we thought we could just eat what we didn’t eat later or the next day, it seemed worth it.

Alfie & Miley we’re both shockingly so well behaved normally when we eat Miley cries

Imagefor some & Alfies shouting or running about! They’re not naughty but we never seem to get to eat in peace! but they both sat down so nice & ate their food, they seemed really pleased with the food, as was Phil! & Alfie actually didnt mind that Miley was sat next to him, although she did try to steal his food! but I shared mine with her to keep her pretty little face smiling! It shows how much I love her that I shared my mozzarella sticks with her, even though she dropped it on the grass!

Alfie was the first to finish his food, he’s a picky

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eater but even for him he ate a lot & while Phil was eating his chicken wings, Alfie decided to go & run around a tree for a bit & hide, meanwhile I was started to get stuffed too, i’d eaten quite a lot! & was starting to get a bit chilly, I put Miley in her pram so she could enjoy a bottle while I packed up all the rubbish & waited for Phil to finish his food, Phil is a really slow eater he likes to let his food digest & although eats bit portions takes absolutely forever! I asked

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Alfie to help me with the rubbish but he seemed enjoying looking through the gaps in the bin saying “I can see you!” but then sadly, put his mouth on the bin & had to be moved!

The park was absolutely packed out as usual & there was kids everywhere!

Normally when places are busy Alfie gets shy but he was straight in there wanting to play & Miley got to play on the swings, which she loved. The sun got a bit too much for moo & her cheeks started turning red so me & her sat on a bench & watched Alfie & Phil play,

Imagethey even had a race back to me & Alfie was giggling his head off running after Phil, they both sat next to me on the bench & we’re acting silly.

Although it was only 3:30 we decided to head home, Alfie walks around town & no longer requires a pram but I didn’t want his feet getting tired & him wanting to be carried.

I decided on the bus to go see my Grandad as he was feeling unwell, Phil headed home as he had things to do. We knocked on the door & walked in, my mum quickly shouted “Hello!”

Imagewhich Alfie replied “Hiya baby!” it was really cute. My Grandad seemed pleased to see me & he gave Miley lots of snuggles, he tried to lift her & although his speech isn’t too well anymore he managed to say “Jesus Christ!” because she’s so big & heavy for her age! I got lots of beautiful photos of Miley with my Grandad, It means a lot to me as my Grandad is very important to me, & I can’t wait to print them out to show him. I hope he gets well soon!

I then spent the rest of the afternoon with my 23 year old brother who says “hash tag” in most sentences, lame but kinda funny!

I headed home about 6:30 & Phil was doing some washing,

I got Alfies tea & he wanted to watch trains on YouTube  while he was doing that Phil & Meatball headed to the shop to get Alfie juice, Alfie screamed

“Where Bill?, where doggy?, Oh no!” I reassured him they were coming back, so he gave Miley a kiss, brushed his teeth & got snug in bed. Phil came back, got Miley ready for bed & I tucked her in while Alfie snored his head off.

My night got better when The Killers Live came on TV, I’ve seen them live, but even on TV it’s just as much enjoyable. Phil came down & said he’d changed Alfie’s nappy, apparently Alfie woke up & said “sorry” to which Phil replied “it’s okay buddy?” & went to stroke his head, before he could do so Alfie grabbed his hand, shook it & said “How do you do?” it makes me so proud that my little lambs are growing & developing so beautifully.

My day is now ending perfectly, Taken 1 is on in the background & i’m going to play Left For

Dead 2 with Phil. Perfect!

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Confused.

I don’t normally tell people when I’m feeling down, but for the last four years I’ve been feeling really depressed, I’m fine in the day, infact I’m incredibly happy in the day, its night time mostly I get really down.

This last two months its gotten really bad and I even considered going to the Drs about it but seeing as it used to be really bad a few years back, to the point I wouldn’t go out alone, yet I managed to get past that and felt quite normal again, so I figured I could get past this too. I’ve been having panic attacks again and quite literally have been a absolute pain to live with, I actually feel sorry for Phil.

Luckily this past week or two although loads of bad things have happened including my sister and 4 year old niece being involved in a head on car crash, I’ve been feeling a lot better, maybe it was that happening that made me realise life is too short.

It’s not that I’m unhappy with my life, I have a great life, infact I’m incredibly lucky. I have a great and supporting fiancé who worships everything I do and two beautiful children, a lovely home (minus the location) and a lovely family, I’m very blessed and happy in that department!

I actually don’t know why I get so down, it all started when my Nanna passed away, we were very close, infact I called her Mum and she and my grandad brought me up, (with my real mum and dad living next door) my grandad is still alive thankfully and living with my mum but suffers with vascular dementia so can’t communicate very well, so that’s hard too, on top of that my son has a rare skin condition, but I actually believe I cope with all that really well.

I don’t believe that you can get down for no reason but I actually don’t have a reason. I don’t tell anyone about it because quite frankly I have no one to tell apart from Phil.

I just hate this numb feeling. I haven’t wrote this blog so people feel sorry for me because that’s not what I want infact its more to see if it happens to anyone else, surely it’s not normal to randomly just start feeling sad for no reason?

Baby Rant.

Apparently, according to the Health visitor most of a toddler’s frustrations are because of their inability to tell you what they want. Apparently, when they can fully speak, all of the crying fits stop.

Yeah, i’m sure…

Luckily, I seem to understand what Alfie wants 30% of the time

Mee-mouse – Mickey Mouse.

A buh. – Bus

Choo choo – Train

A Jew!! – Juice

Teeeeeth – Teeth

I cah see you – I can see you

Sorree – Sorry

and so on.

Alfie sort of reminds me of a furby, no hes not furry with big eyes, but he does speak like one occasionally! Alfie seems to be able to sing a whole song but struggles with most sentences. He’s starting his speech therapy soon so hopefully that will help him along.

When it comes to my children I am a pushover, there’s no point even denying it because even the postman knows it.

Saying no to my little button nosed children really is a struggle, I can deal with the screaming that follows the word “no”, but the sadness in their eyes, if they can’t have something they want is horrible. I’d hate to think that my discipline has my little cheebies upset, I want them to have a happy childhood, like mine, I was rarely told off.

I’m not saying that children shouldn’t be disciplined because they should, every child needs routine and structure and I don’t want mine to be spoilt, but I find it easier to say “Alfie, you can’t have another yogurt because dinner is ready” rather than “No, put it back!” either way he doesn’t fully understand the 1st sentence but the second is like entering a war ground. I’m aware though, there is times where I have to outright tell him no.

He’s pretty good with the important things, he loves nothing more than brushing his teeth, and will now say “brush your teeeeeeth” in a sing song voice. In fact i’d left my toothbrush in my bedroom the other day and he found it, climbed onto the toilet seat and out it back in the cupboard for me.

Things that used to be impossible, things i’d dread doing have become 100% easier as he has grown up so much these last few months.

He lets his hair be cut

Brushes his teeth multiple times a day

Lets me cut his nails

Washes his self, well to a toddlers standards so has to be redone

Will try new food, if he likes it, its a “mmm!” if not, it gets spat out and put back on his plate followed by a “no” and will shake his head

Will take his coat, hat, gloves scarf and wellies off when we get in

Will put something back if I ask him to

Gets into bed by himself

He can even now turn his TV on to watch a DVD

These are things a few months ago he wouldn’t do, so I do see an improvement in him.

Mileys only 7 months old, so she doesn’t really have to do anything but poop and smile, but she’s really a good baby, she says hiya, she’s sitting up and she’s trying to shuffle about but her big bum from me stops her feom doing that! She doesn’t really cry much either, so i’m hoping that she will completely skip the terrible twos, i‘m deluded.

It really tickles me when people think that having children is easy. I overheard a group of girls on the bus saying they were trying for a baby they looked about 15. It’s not hard, but its not easy, you can’t even have a wee in peace. Your life will never be the same again, remember that time you popped to the cinema on a last minute decision? yeah say goodbye to that! you’ll never know what its like to be a parent, until you become one and even then your that sleep deprived to even realise what time of day it is.

I love being a parent, it’s great, I enjoy every little part of it, but you do lose your identity, your not yourself no more, the majority of my post is “to the parent of” etc..

And it’s stressful, you have to make decisions for someone else, you have the potential to make this little persons life perfect, but one bad choice and they can completely change.

I want Alfie and Miley to grow up and feel like they can tell me anything they want, but it doesn’t always work out like that, there’s things I couldn’t tell my mum and that doesn’t make her a bad mum or mean I don’t love her, I just don’t feel comfortable about opening up to people, I never tell people if i’m sad or lonely, or struggling, I just listen to everyone else moan non stop about how “hard” their life is, when they haven’t even been through anything.

I want Alfie and Miley to come to me with their troubles. I want to be able to say “no” and them listen to me, I’m guessing I need to stop being a push over. If I could give anyone any advice it would be, wait.

Wait, until you are with someone who you know is going to be a good dad, in fact scrap that. I thought that about Alfies Dad, who now has him two nights a month. Being a single Mum was hard, but the best decision I could ever of made for my little boy. Now that I have Phil and my Miley my little family is complete.

Patience, the crying does stop, so does the tantrums and its all going to be funny memories when their older, I can’t wait to tell Alfie in front of his girlfriend at 16 “Do you remember that time when you had an utter meltdown because you did a poo in the toilet, then wouldn’t leave the bathroom until you could say goodbye to your poop!?” teehee.

Anyway, Happy Valentines day. My Little potato’s loved their valentines day prezzies. I know this because Alfie stood their with a big grin on his face and Miley kept kissing hers. Nawwh.

I hope you all have a lovely loved up valentines day!